Seriously. I mean, in the Grimm's tale, she's seven years old. Which is, I suppose, slightly more understandable, since she's too young to know better. But THREE TIMES letting that bloody stepmother fool her?
Dwarves: Okay, Snow White! We're leaving! Now, as we've seen TWICE BEFORE, the witch is very good at disguises, so don't talk to ANYONE or accept ANY GIFTS FROM THEM. We have a key, so if someone makes it inside, it's us. Otherwise, DON'T. LET. THEM. IN.
Snow White: Can do!
Dwarves: Really? Because that's what you said the other two times.
Snow White: But I mean it this time!
Dwarves: That's what you said last time.
Snow White: ...
Dwarves: *sigh* Look, we have to go to work. Now, be an obedient little child, and honestly, follow our rules. Or you'll get a spanking when we get home.
Snow White: Ooh!
Dwarves: ...as if the theme of pedophilia hadn't ALREADY been running rampantly through this damn story.
Snow White: Just f***ing GO.
Dwarves: All right. But after you're done sweeping the floor, go wash your mouth out with soap.
Snow White: You're MEN. And I sure as hell didn't bring any soap. Where the f*** do you expect me to get soap?
Dwarves: Touche. All right, we're leaving. DON'T TALK TO STRANGERS!
Snow White: Can do!
Dwarves: ...*do not dispute*
***ABOUT FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER***
Witch: Knock knock!
Snow White: Who's there?
Witch: Your evil stepmother in disguise!
Snow White: My evil stepmother in disguise who?
Witch: Your evil stepmother in disguise, bringing death in a shiny red peel!
Snow White: ...That's not funny.
Witch: It will be in a few minutes. TRUST me on this. In the meantime, why don't you try a bite of this apple? See how it sparkles in the light!
Snow White: The dwarves say I'm not allowed to--ooh, shiny.
Witch: Here, catch! (she throws it through the window, breaking it. D'oh. Snow White doesn't appear to care; she catches it in her mouth like one of those pigs. Yum.) Nice catch.
Snow White: Mmmff...thrnks. (she pulls the apple out of her mouth and swallows) Mmm, this is delici--*faints*
Witch: Yes, yes, my pretty! Let Darwinism take its toll! *cackles* See, I TOLD you it would be funny!
Snow White (murmuring): still...prettier...than...
Witch: Yes, but only the necrophiliacs will admit to it!
Prince (riding by): What have we here?
Witch: ...S***.
************************
So anyway, we see our problem. What the heck would possess a girl of ANY age to disobey such an OBVIOUS rule, when she's already nearly died twice by making the same mistake? It's just a freaking apple. Don't the dwarves feed her? Can't she just grab a fork and skewer her cute woodland animals?
It hit me, though. The error is in assuming it's an apple. I just realized--it's not an apple, it's an Apple!
Imagine you're in Snow White's shoes. (They probably don't fit, since she's seven years old.) You've come from royalty, with everything on a silver platter. You had high-speed internet on a computer that never freezes. You're then kicked out of the castle and forced to fend for yourself. A night of starvation, predators, and worst of all, technology withdrawal.
You spot the dwarves' cottage. At last! An oasis! You knock, but there is no answer. You sneak in, hoping to find some food and a hooked-up computer. You see on the table food set out for seven. Figuring you shouldn't just inconvenience one person, you take a bite of bread and one grape from each plate. Next order of business is the quest for the computer.
Your joy upon finding one quickly fades into disappointment and horror. It's Windows! Not only is it Windows, but it's Windows that someone obviously not tech-savvy has been using. You can't even get to Google without it locking up. Meanwhile..."Adultfriendfi
You run into one of the short beds, curl up in the fetal position, and cry yourself to sleep. (I mean, seriously--my parents somehow got adware on their computer years ago, and those adultfriendfinder pop-ups have people around the area...let's just say, I'm SO glad I never saw anyone I recognize, because with the positions they take? Not that I tried to look at it, but when I tried to get out of it, THE BLOODY THING FROZE.)
A few hours later, a shout invades your ears. "Someone's been nibbling at my bread!" "Someone's been nibbling at MY bread!" "Someone's been nibbling--"
End the torture. "OKAY, I GET IT! I ATE YOUR F***ING BREAD! SORRY!"
So here's how it would go from there:
Dwarves: Aww, she's so pretty. Let's completely forget that she broke into our house, stole our food, and *SOMEHOW* got our keyboard sticky. (They look suspiciously at Snow White)
Snow White: Those are my tears of frustration from being forced to look at your g**d*** ADWARE.
Dwarves: Really? We get the keyboard sticky from looking at the adware for other reasons.
Snow White: ...Hi. I'm Snow White. I'm SEVEN YEARS OLD.
Dwarves: Ah, so you didn't understand our last comment.
Snow White: How I wish that were true, boys. How I wish that were true.
***THE NEXT DAY***
Dwarves: Okay, Snow White! We're going to work in the mines. Now, from what you've told us, your stepmother is evil and has magic powers. So we're going to recommend that you not talk to strangers, because they might be your stepmother in disguise.
Snow White: (busy setting up Norton Anti-virus) Huh? Oh, yeah, sure.
***FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER***
Snow White: ARRRRRRRRRRGH! (She bashes her head against the keyboard as a knocking comes from the door.) Uh...who is it?
Witch: Just an old peddlar woman, dearie. Wanna buy something?
Snow White: Do you by any chance have a new hard drive?
Witch: Uh...no, but I have this lovely length of lace!
Snow White: Are you my evil stepmother in disguise?
Witch: Er, yes, I suppose.
Snow White: Are you going to strangle me with that lace?
Witch: Possibly.
Snow White: Sweet. Lemonade?
***THAT EVENING***
Dwarves: Oh my gosh! She's dead!
Sleepy: Wait, no she's not! She's just sleeping! A sleep induced by lack of breath!
Other dwarves: ...You mean death?
Sleepy: Sure, in normal circumstances, but this is a fairy tale! (He grabs a knife from the table and cuts the lace from Snow White's neck. She starts breathing again.)
Snow White: (groggily) I...I'm alive?
Dwarves: Yes!
Snow White: ...S***.
***FAST-FORWARD TO THE NEXT DAY***
Witch: Hi, dearie!
Snow White: Hi again, stepmom.
Witch: Curses, my cover is blown. Oh well. Want a comb?
Snow White: ...Wait a minute. How the f*** are you going to kill me with a comb? Oh, is it poisonous?
Witch: ...Well, actually, I was just planning to comb your hair into baldness so I'd be prettier, but your idea is faster. Er, can you give me a minute?
Snow White: Certainly.
(The witch turns around for a minute, then hands the comb to Snow White.)
Witch: Here you are!
Snow White: Thanks! (She puts the comb in her hair and falls down "dead".)
Witch: Am I the prettiest in the land now? Am I pretty now? I FEEL PRETTY...OH SO PRETTY...
Snow White: Oh, God...I'm not dead yet. Why am I not dead yet?
***THAT EVENING***
Dwarves: S***! She's dead AGAIN!
Sleepy: Wait! It's the comb! The comb is poisonous!
Other dwarves: Sleepy, what have you been smoking?
Sleepy: Well, look at her! She's exactly as we left her! Except holding a comb, and dead! See? Look! (He attempts to remove the comb, but upon touching it, he falls down "dead" too.)
Grumpy: Oh, dear lord...let me get my gloves.
***THE NEXT DAY***
Dwarves: Okay, Snow White! We're leaving you home alone AGAIN! Please don't talk to anyone. I mean, seriously, if we didn't know better, we'd say you were trying to kill yourself or something!
Snow White (holding computer over her head): What would give you that idea?
***FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER***
(Snow White opens the door as the peddlar woman steps up, about to knock.)
Witch: Dang, you're good.
Snow White: (shrugs) You're punctual. So, what is it today?
Witch: I have something I KNOW you'll like! (The heavens open, and a choir of angels sing an "AHHHHHHHHHH!" as she lifts...THE APPLE COMPUTER!)
Snow White: ...Do mine eyes deceive me? Is that an Apple?
Witch: It is indeed!
Snow White: (salivates, then straightens up, looking thoughtful) So what's it going to do, electrocute me?
Witch: Probably.
Snow White: Windows...or death by Apple. Windows...or death by Apple. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, PLEASE GIVE ME THAT COMPUTER.
(Witch complies. Snow White falls over and dies with a smile on her face.)
Witch: Now, I hope no necrophiliacs are around...
Prince: Did someone call?
Witch: ...Dang.
Prince: Ooh! Corpsy goodness!
***A FEW MINUTES LATER***
Prince: Well, since you're alive...wanna get married?
Snow White: What type of computer do you have?
Prince: Mac for my desktop, Linux for my laptop.
Snow White: Seven-year-old virginity...SOLD!
