Making Sense of Fairy Tales: Snow White

I hate Snow White.

Seriously. I mean, in the Grimm's tale, she's seven years old. Which is, I suppose, slightly more understandable, since she's too young to know better. But THREE TIMES letting that bloody stepmother fool her?

Dwarves: Okay, Snow White! We're leaving! Now, as we've seen TWICE BEFORE, the witch is very good at disguises, so don't talk to ANYONE or accept ANY GIFTS FROM THEM. We have a key, so if someone makes it inside, it's us. Otherwise, DON'T. LET. THEM. IN.

Snow White: Can do!

Dwarves: Really? Because that's what you said the other two times.

Snow White: But I mean it this time!

Dwarves: That's what you said last time.

Snow White: ...

Dwarves: *sigh* Look, we have to go to work. Now, be an obedient little child, and honestly, follow our rules. Or you'll get a spanking when we get home.

Snow White: Ooh!

Dwarves: ...as if the theme of pedophilia hadn't ALREADY been running rampantly through this damn story.

Snow White: Just f***ing GO.

Dwarves: All right. But after you're done sweeping the floor, go wash your mouth out with soap.

Snow White: You're MEN. And I sure as hell didn't bring any soap. Where the f*** do you expect me to get soap?

Dwarves: Touche. All right, we're leaving. DON'T TALK TO STRANGERS!

Snow White: Can do!

Dwarves: ...*do not dispute*

***ABOUT FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER***

Witch: Knock knock!

Snow White: Who's there?

Witch: Your evil stepmother in disguise!

Snow White: My evil stepmother in disguise who?

Witch: Your evil stepmother in disguise, bringing death in a shiny red peel!

Snow White: ...That's not funny.

Witch: It will be in a few minutes. TRUST me on this. In the meantime, why don't you try a bite of this apple? See how it sparkles in the light!

Snow White: The dwarves say I'm not allowed to--ooh, shiny.

Witch: Here, catch! (she throws it through the window, breaking it. D'oh. Snow White doesn't appear to care; she catches it in her mouth like one of those pigs. Yum.) Nice catch.

Snow White: Mmmff...thrnks. (she pulls the apple out of her mouth and swallows) Mmm, this is delici--*faints*

Witch: Yes, yes, my pretty! Let Darwinism take its toll! *cackles* See, I TOLD you it would be funny!

Snow White (murmuring): still...prettier...than...

you...

Witch: Yes, but only the necrophiliacs will admit to it!

Prince (riding by): What have we here?

Witch: ...S***.

************************
So anyway, we see our problem. What the heck would possess a girl of ANY age to disobey such an OBVIOUS rule, when she's already nearly died twice by making the same mistake? It's just a freaking apple. Don't the dwarves feed her? Can't she just grab a fork and skewer her cute woodland animals?

It hit me, though. The error is in assuming it's an apple. I just realized--it's not an apple, it's an Apple!

Imagine you're in Snow White's shoes. (They probably don't fit, since she's seven years old.) You've come from royalty, with everything on a silver platter. You had high-speed internet on a computer that never freezes. You're then kicked out of the castle and forced to fend for yourself. A night of starvation, predators, and worst of all, technology withdrawal.

You spot the dwarves' cottage. At last! An oasis! You knock, but there is no answer. You sneak in, hoping to find some food and a hooked-up computer. You see on the table food set out for seven. Figuring you shouldn't just inconvenience one person, you take a bite of bread and one grape from each plate. Next order of business is the quest for the computer.

Your joy upon finding one quickly fades into disappointment and horror. It's Windows! Not only is it Windows, but it's Windows that someone obviously not tech-savvy has been using. You can't even get to Google without it locking up. Meanwhile..."Adultfriendfinder? Where the hell did that come from--OH MY GOD, IT'S MY STEPMOTHER! ARRRRRRRRRRGH!"

You run into one of the short beds, curl up in the fetal position, and cry yourself to sleep. (I mean, seriously--my parents somehow got adware on their computer years ago, and those adultfriendfinder pop-ups have people around the area...let's just say, I'm SO glad I never saw anyone I recognize, because with the positions they take? Not that I tried to look at it, but when I tried to get out of it, THE BLOODY THING FROZE.)

A few hours later, a shout invades your ears. "Someone's been nibbling at my bread!" "Someone's been nibbling at MY bread!" "Someone's been nibbling--"

End the torture. "OKAY, I GET IT! I ATE YOUR F***ING BREAD! SORRY!"

So here's how it would go from there:

Dwarves: Aww, she's so pretty. Let's completely forget that she broke into our house, stole our food, and *SOMEHOW* got our keyboard sticky. (They look suspiciously at Snow White)

Snow White: Those are my tears of frustration from being forced to look at your g**d*** ADWARE.

Dwarves: Really? We get the keyboard sticky from looking at the adware for other reasons.

Snow White: ...Hi. I'm Snow White. I'm SEVEN YEARS OLD.

Dwarves: Ah, so you didn't understand our last comment.

Snow White: How I wish that were true, boys. How I wish that were true.

***THE NEXT DAY***

Dwarves: Okay, Snow White! We're going to work in the mines. Now, from what you've told us, your stepmother is evil and has magic powers. So we're going to recommend that you not talk to strangers, because they might be your stepmother in disguise.

Snow White: (busy setting up Norton Anti-virus) Huh? Oh, yeah, sure.

***FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER***

Snow White: ARRRRRRRRRRGH! (She bashes her head against the keyboard as a knocking comes from the door.) Uh...who is it?

Witch: Just an old peddlar woman, dearie. Wanna buy something?

Snow White: Do you by any chance have a new hard drive?

Witch: Uh...no, but I have this lovely length of lace!

Snow White: Are you my evil stepmother in disguise?

Witch: Er, yes, I suppose.

Snow White: Are you going to strangle me with that lace?

Witch: Possibly.

Snow White: Sweet. Lemonade?

***THAT EVENING***

Dwarves: Oh my gosh! She's dead!

Sleepy: Wait, no she's not! She's just sleeping! A sleep induced by lack of breath!

Other dwarves: ...You mean death?

Sleepy: Sure, in normal circumstances, but this is a fairy tale! (He grabs a knife from the table and cuts the lace from Snow White's neck. She starts breathing again.)

Snow White: (groggily) I...I'm alive?

Dwarves: Yes!

Snow White: ...S***.

***FAST-FORWARD TO THE NEXT DAY***

Witch: Hi, dearie!

Snow White: Hi again, stepmom.

Witch: Curses, my cover is blown. Oh well. Want a comb?

Snow White: ...Wait a minute. How the f*** are you going to kill me with a comb? Oh, is it poisonous?

Witch: ...Well, actually, I was just planning to comb your hair into baldness so I'd be prettier, but your idea is faster. Er, can you give me a minute?

Snow White: Certainly.

(The witch turns around for a minute, then hands the comb to Snow White.)

Witch: Here you are!

Snow White: Thanks! (She puts the comb in her hair and falls down "dead".)

Witch: Am I the prettiest in the land now? Am I pretty now? I FEEL PRETTY...OH SO PRETTY...

Snow White: Oh, God...I'm not dead yet. Why am I not dead yet?

***THAT EVENING***

Dwarves: S***! She's dead AGAIN!

Sleepy: Wait! It's the comb! The comb is poisonous!

Other dwarves: Sleepy, what have you been smoking?

Sleepy: Well, look at her! She's exactly as we left her! Except holding a comb, and dead! See? Look! (He attempts to remove the comb, but upon touching it, he falls down "dead" too.)

Grumpy: Oh, dear lord...let me get my gloves.

***THE NEXT DAY***

Dwarves: Okay, Snow White! We're leaving you home alone AGAIN! Please don't talk to anyone. I mean, seriously, if we didn't know better, we'd say you were trying to kill yourself or something!

Snow White (holding computer over her head): What would give you that idea?

***FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER***

(Snow White opens the door as the peddlar woman steps up, about to knock.)

Witch: Dang, you're good.

Snow White: (shrugs) You're punctual. So, what is it today?

Witch: I have something I KNOW you'll like! (The heavens open, and a choir of angels sing an "AHHHHHHHHHH!" as she lifts...THE APPLE COMPUTER!)

Snow White: ...Do mine eyes deceive me? Is that an Apple?

Witch: It is indeed!

Snow White: (salivates, then straightens up, looking thoughtful) So what's it going to do, electrocute me?

Witch: Probably.

Snow White: Windows...or death by Apple. Windows...or death by Apple. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, PLEASE GIVE ME THAT COMPUTER.

(Witch complies. Snow White falls over and dies with a smile on her face.)

Witch: Now, I hope no necrophiliacs are around...

Prince: Did someone call?

Witch: ...Dang.

Prince: Ooh! Corpsy goodness!

***A FEW MINUTES LATER***

Prince: Well, since you're alive...wanna get married?

Snow White: What type of computer do you have?

Prince: Mac for my desktop, Linux for my laptop.

Snow White: Seven-year-old virginity...SOLD!

The Trouble with Karaoke

When I was ten years old, my family went on a cruise. They had tons of activities set up for the kids, including scavenger hunts and...uh, well, more scavenger hunts. I think there may have been board games.

The best one, however, was the karaoke. I love singing in front of people. I didn't do the best karaoke that night (their list had very few songs I recognized), but it was fun regardless. As I grew older, I discovered that these things called "karaoke bars" existed. I vowed that the day I turned 21, I would go to a karaoke bar and sing my little heart out. Forget alcohol--who needed it anyway?

Well, as it turned out, the only karaoke in town on my birthday was a pizza place. Sweet. Karaoke happened. But here's the thing: from there, I sought out all the karaoke places in my city. There is karaoke five days a week here. As you can guess, I became addicted.

Here's the problem with a karaoke addiction: it can only last so long until you crave it but can't do it. By now, everyone who goes to karaoke has seen me do the same old songs. I'm not very well-rounded in my music, so there's a limited amount of songs that I even know.

And here's one thing you don't realize until it happens:
There are a lot of songs that you can only sing while single.

Seriously. When you're single, you can sing anything. If you do Billy Joel's "Just the Way You Are", nobody will get up and shout, "Who the heck are you singing that to? You don't have a boyfriend/girlfriend!" Even if you've never been in love, people are convinced that you can summon the emotion needed to deliver a love song.

Whereas if you're in a relationship, there are all sorts of songs you can't do for karaoke. These include heartbreak songs, breakup songs, hatred songs, happy-to-be-single songs, and--here's a really awkward one--songs where you've never really thought about the lyrics, and halfway through you realize that it's a song about how you're cheating. Heck, there are even love songs that INSULT the one you love. Even if your significant other doesn't get ticked off, someone else will start making fun of your S.O. and acting like you're singing one of those to him/her.

For instance (and I will be updating this):
1) You're No Good
2) Single Ladies
3) Bye Bye Bye
4) 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover
5) All By Myself
6) Heart of Glass (although people tend to forgive you more for this one)
7) I Will Survive (I used to do this one...)
8) It's Too Late (I was all like, "Ooh, maybe I should try more Carole King! But nooo.)
9) Killing Me Softly
10) You're So Vain
11) I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues
12) Total Eclipse of the Heart
13) You Give Love a Bad Name
14) Torn
15) Build Me Up, Buttercup
16) Heartbreak Hotel
17) Hit the Road, Jack
18) Paint It Black
19) You've Lost That Loving Feeling
20) Before He Cheats
21) Tainted Love
22) Already Gone
23) Goodbye, Earl
24) Heard It Through The Grapevine
25) These Boots Are Made For Walkin'
26) Follow Me (The Uncle Kracker one--there's cheating in here!)
27) Blame It On Your Heart
28) I'm All Out of Love
29) It's My Party, And I'll Cry If I Want To
30) Take Another Little Piece Of My Heart
31) Bad Romance
32) Since You've Been Gone
33) Billie Jean
34) Mambo #5
35) Confessions, Part 2
36) Lo-lo-lo-lo-Lola!
37) Evil Ways
38) Evil Woman
39) Here's To You, Mrs. Robinson
40) Runaround Sue
41) Jessie's Girl (note: you also cannot do this one if you have a friend named Jessie.)
42) Roses (The Outkast song. Don't be fooled by the title--my fiance sang this a couple times, and I was TICKED.)
43) Wedding Bell Blues (Oh, jeez...I love this song, but...if you're married, he'll be like, "WTF? I DID marry you!" If you're engaged, he'll be like, "Jeez, be patient. The wedding's in TWO MONTHS, and the cake isn't made!" And if you're in a relationship...wow, way to make it awkward.)
44) Yesterday


Another important note: Do NOT sing any love songs that are written to people with specific names. You go back to your seat, and your S.O. asks, "So, who's ______?" This is a much bigger issue to men, or to gay women, because there really aren't many men's names in songs in comparison.
1) Sherry Baby
2) Barbara Ann
3) Help Me, Rhonda
4) Corrina, Corrina (Exceeeeeept...)
5) Brandy (You're A Fine Girl)
6) Jenny, I've Got Your Number
7) Good Golly, Miss Molly
8) Susie Q
9) Roxanne
10) Mustang Sally
11) Stacy's Mom
12) Lay Down, Sally
13) Sweet Caroline

I have my snarky moments.

I am very respectful of all beliefs, and I mean this. I would like to say in advance of my posting this that I don't mean to offend anybody. If anybody comments on this, please be respectful. I have nothing against the beliefs that I mention in here; they just are not my type of thing.

This actually happened to me a few years ago as I was walking to work, so I drew it out in my favorite art form (the stick figure). I was just going through my pictures and stumbled upon it, and I thought I would share it with you. Normally, I would just say, "No thank you," but when I'm in the right mood...

Why? Because.

I haven't really felt like making a blog before. I've used my myspace--you know, back in high school. I've used my facebook--you know, now. Both of these, however, meant that I could only share my thoughts with those who happened to be on social networking sites.

So why now? To answer this simply, I am procrastinating.

Something people need to understand about me: I have this compulsive need to be in the superlative. I just mean that I need to be the best at everything I do, or else the worst so I can complain the best. This has been true throughout my whole life. Back in K-12, I had to be the best at math, the best at spelling. In the meantime, I also had to be the worst at sports, and I wanted to have the longest medical record of anybody. I am not making this up. If I met someone who had worse medical problems than I had (which really, mine weren't that bad--I just wanted them to be!) I would actually get jealous. Yes, I'm well aware that this is messed up.

In college, it only continued. I had to be the busiest of anybody. I packed my days with classes and activities. I started doing musical theater again, and by the time I graduated I was in two sororities. I wish I could say I had the best grades of everybody, but I cannot. When I feel like I'm not going to be the best at something, I stop trying. I ended up with under a 3.0, although not far under a 3.0. Way to make me feel average, classes.

That's exactly what's going on now. The school year is ending; I am finishing up my first year of grad school. (I'm trying to remain at least a little anonymous here, so I won't say where or what I'm doing. If you know me, please don't address me by name.) My classes are finishing up their final projects. I have made myself a name in the on-campus classes; I have participated the most, and my work has been some of the best. One of my teachers even asked if she could use my work as a sample for future students.

Unfortunately, I am feeling unmotivated on these final projects. One is completely turned in; the other two have a deadline of today. I feel that I will not do above B work on these projects. I can't stand feeling average in any way, so I cannot begin writing what I need to turn in until I'm certain I am prepared to make it perfect.

Why did I write this? As I said, I needed to procrastinate. I'm also trying to prepare my mind for writing, as I'm about to start doing quite a lot of it. But I also want people who might actually read this blog to put my future posts in this context. Once you understand the way my mind works, everything else will make more sense. The title, at the very least, will make some sense: I don't think this blog will have a theme, so I'm naming the blog after me instead of after whatever I'll be writing. It will, at least, have the common theme of constantly trying to be the best.

I'm hoping, however, that this will be the last unfunny post. From here on out, I need to be the funniest writer ever to grace the Internet!